Notorious Music Pirate Behind Bars.

By Nick Woolsey

SEPTEMBER 11, 2000 --NEW YORK-- Rowan Thoreau, perhaps better known by his pseudonym, Captain Kidd, has been found guilty in the largest-to-date music piracy lawsuit filed against an individual. The conviction is part of an entertainment industry backed initiative to make an example of "particularly contentious individual DMCA violators."

According to several close friends, Mr. Thoreau believed he was engaged in some kind of "spiritual event," which included systematically downloading 89,000 "culturally significant" songs, complete with lyrics, via Internet utilities such as Napster and Gnutella. The downloading took place over a four-month period, which Mr. Thoreau spent isolated in his small, dark, basement apartment in Harlem's crime infested Lower East Side.

"As I dove into my study of our art and culture, I became aware that something spiritually significant was happening to me," Mr. Thoreau stated during a brief interview, an aura of peace, serenity, and cosmic humour radiating from his inner core. "I began researching the history of the songs… trying to understand what was being said, the social climate at the time, and why the music was affecting its audiences… I started seeing the music as one voice; the voice of humanity singing to itself… trying to teach us life's mysteries… trying to explain that there is more to life than we're taught to believe…"

Many free-culture advocates are saying that Mr. Thoreau may be onto something, especially after the cessation of racial hatred throughout inner-city New York following his "I understand your pain" speech. Others disagree. Cary Sherman, senior vice president of the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA), contests that what Mr. Thoreau did was stealing, and that stealing is wrong.

"Mr. Thoreau downloaded $244,000 worth of copyrighted music off the Internet," she stated, bluntly. "That's $244,000 directly out of the pockets of the music labels and artists. If Mr. Thoreau had spent that money on legitimate copies of music, a whole lot of artists would be one more dollar out of debt [to the music industry]."

Upon hearing Ms. Sherman's comments, several members of the recently formed Church of Musical Insight, who held nightly candlelight services outside the courthouse during the trial, were quick to point out that "His Musical Holiness" had given his meagre savings to artists via online tipping system Fairtunes.com.

"Petty pittances don't make up for stealing," replied Ms. Sherman.

Judge Luis Cambel, who presided over the trial, says he had no choice but to charge Mr. Thoreau with 89,000 counts of copyright infringement, totalling $789,000,000 in fines, or, upon failure to pay, four life sentences in prison. The notoriously stoic Cambel remained unmoved when Mr. Thoreau sang his eloquent acceptance of the guilty verdict. Several other members of the court were more affected, stepping down from their positions the following day with the statement, "The highest point we could now reach is the feet of Mr. Thoreau's prison bed."

The judge and all thirty-two prosecuting attorneys made it clear that this case was intended to send a clear message to the Internet community, music fans, and all future prophets.

"The metaphysical progress of individuals and society as a whole cannot, and will not, be used to subvert intellectual property laws," they wrote. "The hand of the law is firm in this spiritual manifestation of mankind, and it will be firm in the next."

The RIAA is currently lobbying to have Mr. Thoreau placed in solitary confinement for allegedly leading his fellow inmates in a copyright-violating round of "Give peace a chance."